Falling In Love.....

Well I am not sure what has happened to me in the past few days, but I am definitely a different woman than I was when I woke up on Tuesday morning. I feel it has to do with the bible study I am doing. It has made me so aware of my thoughts, words and actions and that God is my immediate audience to what I am thinking, saying and doing and I realized what he was witnessing was not something that he would be proud of. Yes I have a generous and giving heart, sometimes too generous, and am always there for my family and friends whenever they need me, no questions asked, but I have been horrible to myself. That is not what God wants of His children.

Last night I spent a while in prayer, some of it in tears. I prayed for everything and everyone that entered my mind. I was just talking to God like He was sitting right in front of me and asking how I was, how my day went, how my family and friends were. That has never happened to me before. I mean I have always prayed and loved God, but this was so different. I feel like last night I truly gave my wholeself over to God. I always thought I had done that before, but if I had done that I would have been happy all this time and been truly at peace. Now I am happy, I am at peace, I am falling in Love with my God and it is so exciting. I look forward to talking to Him, to learning more about him, to spend time in music worship with Him (just the two of us). I got home tonight about 12:15 from some much needed girl time, just hanging out and vegging and visiting!!! I am so sleepy, but I couldn't wait to get home and sing to/with my God. Sing His praises, His truths!!!!

Some really exciting things happened today. First I was obedient and paid all my bills. I went on to pay a student loan payment and because I had applied for a new repayment schedule (to lower my payments) it also postponed the payment for a month. Therefore I don't have one due on July 3. I was so excited because that freed up money to use to pay-off my medical bills. (all are mainly lab work from my oncology check-up). The total of my medical bills was not much over the cost of the student loan payment. God is so great!!!!

Also, my niece Ashley and I discussed getting an apartment together yesterday (Thursday) and today she called and said she found a house. Its in her price range, I would pay her rent and we would both be saving money. This is perfect because I am not ready for the responsibility that comes with owning a house. Nothing has been worked out, but it is a strong possibility that this will happen and it would be a huge answer to prayers. It would mean that I could keep my job and get some other stuff paid off!!!!

My sister had a hair appt yesterday, so I had the priviledge of keeping Connor and Dawna at work with me. My spirit is always lifted when I get to see my sweet babies.

All the girls got together tonight, it has been so long since all of us got together for some girl time!!! I miss hanging out with them so much, but we are all so busy that it is hard to get us all together on the same night!!!

Today has been a great day and now I am going to go to sleep and take advantage of the fact that I get to sleep in tomorrow!!!! Woo Hoo!!!

Goodnight and God Bless,
Feather Lynn

Beautiful, Beautiful

I am starting with the song, Beautiful, Beautiful by Francesca Battistelli. I hope you enjoy the song before you read or while you are reading. I am listening to it as I type this.



Today was a pretty good day. I caught myself doing the negative talk inside my head. I was more aware of the little anxieties that would pop up out of nowhere. I also realized that keeping KLOVE playing all day keeps my thoughts positive and it is easier to stop the bad talk and turn it around. Right now there is one particular thing that has me slightly anxious, I am not ready to talk about it, but just pray that I keep my eyes looking upward and focused on God while I am waiting on His perfect timing in this time of my life.

In my bible study I am learning about the soundtrack in my thought closet, the "realness" of worrying and how to meditate on what is true instead of the lies. I have been to a counselor many times in my life. In the beginning of my "self-discovery" (about 2 years ago) I was very anxious, angry, bitter, resentful, depressed and just plain lost. It didn't matter where I turned or what I did, I always felt like it wasn't good enough. I strived for the approval of my sister and only her approval was good enough for me. I was constantly looking for approval from men. My dad has worked in the oil field since I was 10 and that meant him not being around much during my childhood. I love my daddy and I never doubted his love for me and that he was proud of me, but apparently that wasn't enough for me. What I first learned is that my thoughts would spiral out of control and all it took was one little, tiny thought and down I went. I could start the day in a great mood and within a few minutes I was miserable. I couldn't control it, I thought I was going crazy. Thankfully God put an amazing Christian counselor in my path and helped me to begin to heal. Then another Christian counselor surfaced in the form of my brother-n-laws, cousins husband. Steve is a great man and thru e-mail and cd's of his I listened to I discovered just how bad my anxieties were. I was an axious child, and anxious teenager and now and anxious adult. Steve was an answer to prayers and I was able to break the anxiety cycle in my life and recognize it to a point that I am able to stop it almost as soon as I start to feel anxious. Now, here I am today doing a bible study on what God has been working with in my life for a few years.

Sorry for the mini life story!!!!

The material that stuck out more in the last three days (3 days in 2) is worrying. My entire family and closest friends know that I am a big worrier...my mom even calls me a worry-wort. My grandmother was the same way and I thought she hung the moon, so I never really thought there was anything wrong with worrying. Well in God's wonderful grace and ability to reveal His truth to you, I have learned that worrying is so wrong, it is basically a sin....well not basically, it is a sin.

God warns against dwelling on anxious thoughts. Well hello, sin much Feather!!!! Dwelling on those anxious thoughts was second nature, it was what I did best. Thankfully I don't anymore and really haven't for some time. Now I have my days, I am not perfect and I DO NOT have it all together, but I know how to control it and rely on God to comfort me.

I also didn't think I knew how to meditate. I always tied it with holistic stuff and other religions, but it is biblical!!! I can't remember the verse, but it is, I read it tonight....will find it later and post the verse!!! What I learned is that I do meditate, I do it very well actually....just on the WRONG things!!!! I meditate on the what if's when I should meditate on the what is.

Today, even though things were crazy at work and people were in and out all day, phones were ringing off the hook and I was going in 10 different directions trying to do 10 different things at once, I felt calm, peacefull, HAPPY!!!! Even when the anxieties and what if's popped in my head, I immediately squashed them and focused on whatever song was on KLOVE. It was truly amazing to witness God working in me in that way today!!!!

So even though God has been working on me for several years, only now do I really feel like I am changing by His grace, His mercy and His love. I am falling in love with My God and it is an amazing feeling. I am smiling because of my Heavenly Father and not because some guy decided he wanted to say hi or because my sister stopped by to see me at work or because my sweet Connor and/or Dawna say they love me out of the blue....its all because of my Lord and Savior and that is a pretty amazing feeling!!!!

I guess I have made this long enough, I could keep going, but I will save some for the next post. I need to get to bed anyways.

Thanks for reading. May God bless you beyond your wildest dreams!!!!

Love,
Feather Lynn

"Me, Myself and Lies"

Hello there...it has been a while. Going from a two person office to a one-person office is a HUGE shock to the system. I have spent the last month and a half getting use to my new job duties and responsibilites. It has not been easy, but by the grace of God I am getting it done.

I joined a bible study tonight at my church. It is Jennifer Rothschild's "Me, Myself and Lies" (hence the titile of this blog!!!). I am a week behind, which is par for my life right now!!! I have never really felt like a "behind" kind of person, but here lately I rarely feel like I have it together and never feel like I am caught up. Jenn refers to our minds as thought closets. (Mine is full of junk, just saying that up front, because it could get pretty ugly in the next 5 weeks). I will be doing week's one and two in a week, so I am sure I will be on info overload. I am also going to try to blog about each day of the study for two reasons, (1) so I have an account of my experience in this bible study and (2) so that anyone that reads this might be able to use this as a tool to "revamp" their thought closet or decide to begin the study themselves.

Here goes......

Day 1 - Not So Well With My Soul

I have a BAD habbit of neggative self-talk. I am positive and encouraging when it comes to other people, that is easy for me, but when it comes to myself, I am just horrible to myself. Day 1 starts with digging into this exact thing. The idea, I think, is to get you to become more aware of what you are saying to yourself, to notice when the neggative talk/thinking begins and begin to stop it and replace it with positive/uplifting talk. Here are some quotes that really spoke to me and hope that they speak to you as well....(all quotes are being taken from "Me Myself and Lies" by Jennifer Rothschild, week one, day one) don't want to get in trouble for plagerism...

"....it doesn't have to be well with your circustances to be well with your soul." pg 8

"..sometimes our destructive self-talk is more like a steady drip-dripping - an unrelenting trickle of poison, creating a wash of pessimism." pg. 9

"...words have great influence...even the ones you silently speak." pg 9

"Our words have influence, but only God's words have power." pg 9

"Matthew 12:34 says, "The mouth speaks from the over-flow of the heart."" pg 10 (ouch...I will elaborate on how this cut like a knife in a sec)

"He deserves our finest thoughts, best words, and a thesauros full of truth." pg 12

"The enemy of your soul would love to stifle you with self-condemnation, lies, and ill-fitting wourds so your thoughts become a jumbled mess that controls you." pg 13

"Who I am and what I struggle with are NOT the same thing." pg 13

Now about that verse in Matthew...12:34. I immediately thought of all the times that I spoke words that were not uplifting or encouraging and I almost have to catch my breathe....is that really what is in my heart? Well it is straight from God's word and His word is truth, so that means YES!!! Wow, that one stings. Thankfully, the process of change in this area has already begun, God has already begun working on me, on my heart. He is changing me, transforming me from negativity to positive thinking. The majority of the negative people are no longer in my life (which I feel was necessary to get me to a place that I can handle/deal with negative people and not be drug down again). I honestly NEVER saw myself as a person whose heart was full of anger, hate and bitterness, but according to Matt 12:34 I guess I was. No wonder I had a hard time being happy or finding happiness. With all that other mess in my heart and mind, there wasn't room for anything else, which is exactly what Satan wants.

The good news is this is NOT who I am!!! I am looking forward to seeing what God does in my heart, my mind and my life over the next 5 weeks. He has already started doing some amazing things in my life from professional to personal...from my job to the people he is placing in my life!!!

Thanks for reading and God Bless,
Feather Lynn

I have encountered many "I didn't plan this" moments this week and I am proud to say that I stayed calm and positive throughout everyone of them. Well, almost all of them. When I was working on the large print bulletin it kept going crazy on me and I couldn't fix it. I did share some momentary tears, but quickly pulled myself together, took a deep breath, said a prayer and started over. Well, God came to my rescue, like He has always promised. My boss came out and saw the frustration in my eyes and face, I am sure, and told me to 86 the large print bulletin for this week. He said lets see if anyone complains or asks about not having it and then go from there. I said thank you and deleted the stinkin thing.

I started the newsletter today and so far it has been a successful project. I am NOT doing it in Wordperfect, rather in Publisher. I know Microsoft products and know the formatting in it. Wordperfect deals with codes and key strokes and all that crazy mess. You hit enter and the everything below it is all messed up. After yesterday the bulletin will be moved to publisher quicker than I had orginally planned. Wordperfect is just more stress than it is worth and it is completely unecessary when there is a program that will do just as well if not better!!!!

I haven't had a chance to read much of Karol Ladd's book, Thrive don't simply Survive, but am ready to have some free time so I can. I definitely feel like I am just surviving right now. I am so tired and barely have enough energy to make it through a day at work. When I get home it takes almost more energy than I have left to eat.

Just had an "aha" moment. A few weeks ago, the guy I was dating decided he just wanted to go back to being friends. I was upset for that day, but not so much about the relationship with him ending, but more about the fact that it was another step backwards in my love life. Well, God knew what He was doing, as He always does. I haven't had time to even think about dating someone in the last few weeks.

Could where my life is right now, career wise, be the reason that I am still single? It is a strong possibility. I mean, God knew this day would come where I was handling an office by myself and in charge of everything. God knew that I would take way too much on and not ask for help. God knew that I would feel the need to bring work home in order to get it all done, instead of asking for help. God knew all of this and it has all come at a time when I am single and don't have many other obligations. I am free to take this on and make it my own. Hmmmmm It's interesting what you figure out when you sit still and just be with God and when you listen to that little voice in your head. Yes it also could be that the man He created for me isn't quit ready for me. Only God knows and I am going to worship and praise Him while I wait.

Great News!!!

Today was my annual check-up with Dr. Watkins, my Oncologist. The report was great!! Cancer is still in remission, November 1 will mark 16 years that the cancer has been in remission!!!

Today was a good day. I was able to get the deposit done and made as well as the attendance completed (today was my first day to do that) and I did it without any problems. I was unusually calm today and when the phones started ringing and people were coming in I did get irritated like I normally do because of the interruption. I was actally able to go right back to what I was doing and I rarely am able to do that.

I did not stay in constant prayer/communication with God today as I hoped I would, but I guess there weren't any decisions to be made or anything that caused me to react negatively. I feel that making the effort to stay positive and choose to take things minute by minute, duty by duty, that it relieves alot of the stress and anxiety with all the new duties. I am only one person and I can only do one thing at a time.

Not a lot of exciting things happened today. Hope everyone is having a great start to their week.

God Bless,
Feather

Mother's Day

Well, today is Mother's Day, so Happy Mother's Day to any mom that reads this. Church was wonderful this morning and it had me in tears again. Two Sundays in a row of tears is a rare thing for me. Went to lunch with my mom, dad, sister and her family and brother and his family. We ate at Texas Roadhouse and it was really yummy. Despite the seating mix-up, I think everyone had a really good lunch. I came home, did the laundry and just relxed and watched some movies. Actually all I did yesterday was watch movie and relax.

Anyways, on to the disappointments of the life I didn't plan. I just pulled myself together from an "out of the blue" melt down. I was looking at mother's day pictures that all of my friends have posted of them with thier husbands and kiddos and I lost it. Don't get me wrong, I am so happy for all of them, but being a wife and a mom is really all I have ever wanted and it hurts so badly to not have that. Most of the time I am completely fine and it doesn't bother me so much, but today it just hit extremely hard. Our Pastor talked about how different things are today. How girls use to desire to be a mom and how now to some it seems to be a burden or they are too busy to have kids. The whole time all I could think is here I sit, full of desire to be a mom and a wife and yet I am as single as they come.

I do know God is working in me continuously to mold me into the Godly woman he created me to be and if this is where he wants/needs me to be to do that, then this is where I will be. I will stay joyous and not let satan steal my joy because my life has yet to turn out how I thought it would.

On a lighter note, tomorrow is Monday and I have a different outlook on how to handle all my old and new duties at work without getting overwhelmed. In Sunday School we are reading through the bible. Right now we are in Nehamiah and what I have noticed as I read is that Ezra and Nehamiah are in constant prayer/communication with God. Therefore, I am going to listen to God's word and make my best attempt to stay in constant prayer/communication with God. I am going to do my best to pray when I start getting frustrated, stressed, overwhelmed, tired and ask for God's help. I KNOW that with God's help I can do this job and do it well. Please say some prayers for me as I face these challenges tomorrow.

God Bless,
Feather

Changing

Today was a good day. I started settling in to my new "office" at work. My co-worker retired and her last day was Wednesday, May 5. My boss decided it would work best if I moved back to her old office area. The church is not going to hire anyone, so I will be doing it all. It was a little overwhelming when I found out and I am still a bit overwhelmed, but it will all work out.

Today I got the phone bill for the church in the mail. When I opened the bill I noticed it was a bit higher than usual. I started looking at the detail and there was a charge for something that I did not authorize. In this situation I generally get mad and raise heck with the company. However, I chose to be positive and keep my cool. I found out it was a third party charge. AT&T put a claim on it and a block so that no more third party companies can put charges through our phone bill. Turns out it was from a company that had called twice with all kinds of bogus stuff. They wanted to send a packet of information and a 14 day trial for a new website. I told them we didn't need it because we had a website. Well I thought that was the end of it, not so much. I finally got it all straightened out while staying positive and keeping my cool. I thought that was pretty great progress for me. Through out both conversations I kept focusing on God and staying positive and I am amazed at how well it worked for me. I pray that people begin to start seeing Jesus through me in my actions and words. I also noticed that I wasn't anxious over anything today. I felt relaxed, calm and at peace!!!

Today was also the day I went for blood work and chest x-ray for my annual checkup. It was the usual 4 vials of blood and 2 pics of my chest and out the door I went. If the results are good then I will have been in remission for 16 years. Since my first check-up, after going into remission, I have always been crabby and plain horrible for the week before my appointment. It was several years before I made the connection and realized I was acting that way out of fear of what the test results would be. I remember the day I was told I had cancer like it was this morning. I remember laying in my day bed thinking to my self "I have cancer...I have cancer...I have cancer." Anyways, the thought of hearing those words "You have cancer" or "The cancer is back" terrified me and frankly it still scares me a little. However this past week I was fine. I have felt at peace which is wonderful.

I spent the rest of the day with mom. We went to dinner at Cheddars and then got snow cones at Bahama bucks. Then I headed home with a sack full of groceries from mom's pantry and fridge.

Tomorrow is going to be a wonderfully low key day and I can't wait. Praying everyone has a wonderful weekend.

God Bless,
Feather