Beautiful, Beautiful

I am starting with the song, Beautiful, Beautiful by Francesca Battistelli. I hope you enjoy the song before you read or while you are reading. I am listening to it as I type this.



Today was a pretty good day. I caught myself doing the negative talk inside my head. I was more aware of the little anxieties that would pop up out of nowhere. I also realized that keeping KLOVE playing all day keeps my thoughts positive and it is easier to stop the bad talk and turn it around. Right now there is one particular thing that has me slightly anxious, I am not ready to talk about it, but just pray that I keep my eyes looking upward and focused on God while I am waiting on His perfect timing in this time of my life.

In my bible study I am learning about the soundtrack in my thought closet, the "realness" of worrying and how to meditate on what is true instead of the lies. I have been to a counselor many times in my life. In the beginning of my "self-discovery" (about 2 years ago) I was very anxious, angry, bitter, resentful, depressed and just plain lost. It didn't matter where I turned or what I did, I always felt like it wasn't good enough. I strived for the approval of my sister and only her approval was good enough for me. I was constantly looking for approval from men. My dad has worked in the oil field since I was 10 and that meant him not being around much during my childhood. I love my daddy and I never doubted his love for me and that he was proud of me, but apparently that wasn't enough for me. What I first learned is that my thoughts would spiral out of control and all it took was one little, tiny thought and down I went. I could start the day in a great mood and within a few minutes I was miserable. I couldn't control it, I thought I was going crazy. Thankfully God put an amazing Christian counselor in my path and helped me to begin to heal. Then another Christian counselor surfaced in the form of my brother-n-laws, cousins husband. Steve is a great man and thru e-mail and cd's of his I listened to I discovered just how bad my anxieties were. I was an axious child, and anxious teenager and now and anxious adult. Steve was an answer to prayers and I was able to break the anxiety cycle in my life and recognize it to a point that I am able to stop it almost as soon as I start to feel anxious. Now, here I am today doing a bible study on what God has been working with in my life for a few years.

Sorry for the mini life story!!!!

The material that stuck out more in the last three days (3 days in 2) is worrying. My entire family and closest friends know that I am a big worrier...my mom even calls me a worry-wort. My grandmother was the same way and I thought she hung the moon, so I never really thought there was anything wrong with worrying. Well in God's wonderful grace and ability to reveal His truth to you, I have learned that worrying is so wrong, it is basically a sin....well not basically, it is a sin.

God warns against dwelling on anxious thoughts. Well hello, sin much Feather!!!! Dwelling on those anxious thoughts was second nature, it was what I did best. Thankfully I don't anymore and really haven't for some time. Now I have my days, I am not perfect and I DO NOT have it all together, but I know how to control it and rely on God to comfort me.

I also didn't think I knew how to meditate. I always tied it with holistic stuff and other religions, but it is biblical!!! I can't remember the verse, but it is, I read it tonight....will find it later and post the verse!!! What I learned is that I do meditate, I do it very well actually....just on the WRONG things!!!! I meditate on the what if's when I should meditate on the what is.

Today, even though things were crazy at work and people were in and out all day, phones were ringing off the hook and I was going in 10 different directions trying to do 10 different things at once, I felt calm, peacefull, HAPPY!!!! Even when the anxieties and what if's popped in my head, I immediately squashed them and focused on whatever song was on KLOVE. It was truly amazing to witness God working in me in that way today!!!!

So even though God has been working on me for several years, only now do I really feel like I am changing by His grace, His mercy and His love. I am falling in love with My God and it is an amazing feeling. I am smiling because of my Heavenly Father and not because some guy decided he wanted to say hi or because my sister stopped by to see me at work or because my sweet Connor and/or Dawna say they love me out of the blue....its all because of my Lord and Savior and that is a pretty amazing feeling!!!!

I guess I have made this long enough, I could keep going, but I will save some for the next post. I need to get to bed anyways.

Thanks for reading. May God bless you beyond your wildest dreams!!!!

Love,
Feather Lynn